wide eyed teen blogger

 Very odd to be typing this. Because nobody is going to read it. Yelling into a void is just very strange, but if I get it all out in words then maybe I’ll stop driving everyone insane by pacing about all day. I should be doing work but I don’t want to. This year is heading in the same direction as 2016/early 2017: a sustained breakdown. I should be doing work but I’m not even though sans pressure and stress it would be interesting work to do.

                  So instead I am yelling into a void about very little. I am feeling too drained to be much amused, but I do think that it is amusing. At least I have the cat.

                  At current I am thinking about:

-        Guilt: I feel very guilty whenever spending money on anything at all, and I’m not sure if this is dysfunctional or if it is all that will keep me from ending up in debt, what with my poor impulse control.

-        All You Have To Do Is Open Your Eyes by torakowalski: specifically, the sentence construction. For example: ‘The centre of his chest feels like someone just punched it hollow.’ Which is in character narration as well as evocative and emotive. Also: ‘Alvarez goes down to his knees like a hanged man after the rope’s been cut’, which again is emotive without being flowery. The paragraphs are also very minimal in this fic. I am starting to become paranoid about my paragraph length.

-        Whether or not I think the Doctor was wrong re the spider death in episode 4. Not that American douche (everyone on tumblr seems convinced that he is a too obvious Trump metaphor. I am not sure he is supposed to be so specific. He’s a representation of questionable American values and cultures, but that isn’t quite the same.) was going about it in the best manner possible, but surely it is more humane to put the spider out of its misery rather than let it die slowly and painfully and fearfully, which is the worst thing.

-        Connected to this, I am thinking about why the pain of animals is so acutely distressing, much more so than the pain of adult humans. Maybe because animals feel fear in an uncomplicated, pure sort of way. Nothing else but complete utter fear. Or maybe because they seem helpless in a way that human adults don’t often appear. Like children, infants, babies.

-        The fact that over my adolescence my career/life goals have gone roughly from writer to editor to something in the public sector maybe? to become a hermit in north Scotland.

-        Vera is clearly superior to Lewis, fight me.

-        Shirley Jackson seems to be on the up, what with this Netflix miniseries and all. I don’t have Netflix but I’m sure it has been handled well. I am very smug that I discovered her before all this renewed interest, even though she isn’t all that obscure.

-        Brighton Rock, by Graham Greene: specifically, the way in which this is worded: ‘Pain happened to him’. It’s very interesting. Overall though I am not as invested as I should be, half way though the book and all. Also I am fed up of Greene going on about Ida’s breasts. I get it. They are large. She has vitality. Please stop.

-        Candle in a Vacuum is now up to nearly 7000 words and this is terrifying. Individually each scene is… fine, but overall the pacing and tone is a problem. I’m not sure enough about what I’m aiming for, that’s the biggest problem. But I’m very proud, just of the fact that I am writing at all.

-        Peak 2018 ‘nause is writing: ‘For perhaps a week or even approaching two he did not dream, or if he did it was only of blackness and indistinguishable from dreamlessness.’ and fully embracing it. Post irony etc.

-       will hbomb ever upload again? The defining question of our time…